My child didn’t die in a school shooting, yet it brings me back to terror

I couldn’t stop crying. The unthinkable has happened again and it felt like all the skills and progress I made in my anxiety and fear just couldn’t help me. The school shooting in Uvalde, Texas yesterday is a tragedy for many, and a fear of millions. My daughter wasn’t killed in a school shooting, but hearing of the pain these children, parents and families are feelings transports me back 10 years to my darkest hours.

As I went about my day this morning, I tried to understand where this was hitting my heart. Is what happened an absolute tragedy? Absolutely. Was I directly affected by those actions? Yes and no. No, I do not have any personal knowledge or connection to the families in Texas, although my heart swells for them. No parent should have to bury a child. Yet it affects me deeply because it brings up my memories and my fears.

Almost ten years ago, months after my daughter was murdered, I remember hearing about the school shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary. I was still grieving my daughter and life as I knew it and my biggest fear as a mother came to me in this news—-what if I can’t keep my children safe? This fear shattered my core and made the loss of my daughter and loss of control of things as everyday as sending my children to school bring me to my knees. My instinct was to grab my children and hide, to never leave the house again with the beleif that if they never go to school then they would never be taken by a school shooting.

As true as that statement may be, it leaves many holes. It assumes nothing else will harm my children, a lie wrapped in a myth of false safety. Hiding would not prevent my children from accidents, illness, or even tragedy in other settings like grocery stores or neighborhoods. Hiding wouldn’t save us. It didn’t stop in Uvalde, Texas.

So what does this mean? What do I do now? Well for one I had no choice but to make space for my sadness and I cried, big ugly, crying tears. I took space to see what I was afraid of, what was triggering me and if there was something I could do in any area that would make me feel better. I talked to people I trusted, knowing that in general there was absolutely nothing they could do —but I just needed them to listen to me. I listened to me. Then I keep going. I share my healing story, I help others heal, and I keep going. May you all have the strength to keep going or sit down and rest. You are not alone.